Blog Category: Addiction

“Is this behavior a “sex addiction?”  

The second common question is:  

“If so, what needs to be done – can sex addiction be cured?”  

Sometimes men come to therapy sessions seeking answers to satisfy their partners’ need to know and sometimes they are eager to know themselves.  

Sometimes its both.  

But seeking a formal diagnosis of compulsive sexual behavior disorder may pose a “double-edged sword”. 

The third question is then:  

“What if this not an “addiction”?”  

Is it a “Sex Addiction”? – The Dilemma – Failure of Values OR Sexual Compulsion 

One the one hand, a partner or the person engaged in the sexual behavior may want to know if his sexual behavior is driven by his values – is he immoral, unethical or irreligious?   

Does he simply not know what’s right. Is his behavior an intentional and premeditated sexual and emotional betrayal – and he doesn’t care about the consequences? 

If the sexual behavior is a moral failing, he or his partner are left wondering how – exactly – can he change his sexual behavior for the foreseeable future – what action plan can he follow?  

On the other hand, if he or his partner can be satisfied that his sexual behavior is an “addiction” – and therefore outside his control – they may be willing to believe that it is not just a moral failing – even if his sexual behavior began that way.   

He and his partner may then be willing to believe that a detailed and systematic “sex addiction” recovery plan – executed in therapy – will yield some “light at the end of the tunnel”.  

If recovery from “sex addiction” can work – then there may be a possible future for the relationship. But if it is not a “sex addiction” – is there any hope? 

Is There a Way Out of this Dilemma for the Couple? 

Exploring this dilemma with a therapist – who is qualified and experienced in using an assessment for compulsive sexual behavior disorder – is likely to be a positive first step.  

Whatever the results of the assessment are – the assessment process itself will give the person engaging in the sexual behaviour  insights into:  

• the chronological details of the sexual behaviour;  

• how it started;  

• what kept it going; 

• what the consequences are;    

• what risks were being taken; and  

• what prevented these risks from being “weighed into the balance”. 

After an assessment – whether a client meets the criteria for compulsive sexual behaviour disorder or not – there is an action plan that can be created in therapy, with valuable input from his partner.  

The Action Plan 

An experienced and qualified therapist may suggest an initial plan that involves:  

1. Individual Therapy  

Initially each party in the couple, working with their own therapist for individual sessions, will give them the safety and freedom to fully articulate, explore and reflect on their own experience of what happened and why. 

2. Information 

The therapist will provide information that both parties in the couple-hood can use to learn about the sexual behaviour and it’s precursors. This will be supplemented with links to videos, podcasts and books.   

The person engaged in the sexual behaviour can gain insight into how his partner feels, thinks and behaves – and his partner can better understand what happened – and what he is willing to do in future. 

3. Boundaries and Consequences 

Both parties in the couple will be invited to articulate a proposed list of boundaries and consequences, and to discuss the lists – openly and honestly – in a therapy session.  

The partner may include in her initial boundaries, actions he will take, such as:  

• using porn blocking and tracking Apps;  

• using phone tracking Apps;  

• letting her know each day, what is in his schedule – and keeping her informed of where he is going; 

• attending individual therapy regularly;  

• attending group therapy or recovery groups regularly; 

• initiating a couples session each week, to discuss what he has been doing in his therapy, his groups and in his readings  – how he felt, what he struggles with and what his insights are;    

• avoiding certain friends, situations and places; 

• articulating his self-care and self-development regimen; 

• jointly articulating a division of labour on parenting, assisting relatives, and domestic chores; 

• financial arrangements; 

• how he will address any triggers that are likely to leave him vulnerable; and 

• what they will say about the disruptions to their relationship, to their children, family, friends and work colleagues.           

He may include in his initial boundaries, actions she will take: 

• learning about the sexual behaviour; 

• supporting his individual and group therapy; 

• sharing her therapy and self-care regimen – and checking-in weekly with him on her feelings, thoughts, struggles and progress; 

• jointly articulating a division of labour on parenting, assisting relatives, domestic chores;  

• setting limits on discussing the past – e.g. only before 9:00 pm; and for once or twice a week for 30-60 minutes; in order to reduce the stress and distress on them both; and  

• what they will say about the disruptions to their relationship, to their children, family, friends and work colleagues.           

As their relationship progresses, and “wounds heal”, the boundaries and consequences will change.   

If you or your partner face a crisis in your relationship as a result of sexual behaviour, there may well be a way forward – whether or not the criteria for  CSBD are met.  

And – to that extent – they are “in the same boat” and they both have an opportunity to de-escalate the situation and resolve it together.  

But they probably need considerable help. 

 Each may be overwhelmed by powerful negative feelings – so that neither are able – or willing – to consider de-escalation.  

Indeed, their natural reaction may to make things worse – and to fuel the crisis into a prolonged trauma.  

This distressing dynamic is most obvious when the partner seeks to answer the question: “what happened – and why”? 

Partners urgently need to hear and gather an ever-increasing amount of evidence about the sexual behavior and the circumstances. While the person responsible, is just as convinced that they need to hold onto their “secrets”.   

The Dynamics of the Partner 

Partners may feel compelled to spend time, effort, emotional energy – and even finances – to gather the details.  

They may subject the person responsible to hours of questions each day – and this may last for many weeks and months.  

With the details that the partner has pieced together – and to fill in the gaps that they perceive – the partner may unwittingly create a vivid “horror movie”.   

Some partner may envisage haunting details of sights, sounds, sensory touch, smells, emotions, behaviors and motivations – creating the most distressing account of the events as possible.  

They may be insistent that the person responsible concurs – in every detail – with the partner’s account.  

The partner may also seek to impose a “picture” of how the acting out partner (e.g. a sex worker or an affair partner) experienced the sex or “romance” – and relentlessly describes that person’s thoughts, feelings and motivations. 

Many partners ruminate on whether there was an emotional bond between the responsible person and the sex workers or affair partners.  

They may focus on: the nature and quality of this bond; why the bond was so important to the person responsible; and how it compares with the couple’s bond.  

The person responsible may – in contrast – insist that the sexual relationship was only transactional, compartmentalized and objectified – or that it was simply a “fantasy relationship” – and part of usual the ritual of seeing sex workers or affair partners.    

However, the partner may firmly believe that sex must have been experienced as more than a meaningless, casual act – and that it invariably involved a connection.  

This drive to know and “picture” all the details, inevitably leads the partner to an escalation of their overwhelming feelings – and may lead to lasting trauma.  

The Dynamics of the Person Responsible  

The person responsible is likely to react viscerally and strongly to their partner’s need to know. 

That person may sincerely believe that their sole task is “damage control”.   

Inevitably their attempt “fuels” the destructive dynamic that is unwittingly overwhelming their partner.   

The person responsible is likely to seek to: conceal what happened; provide half-truths or minimal details; minimize; deflect; avoid; rationalize; intellectualize – or “gaslight”.  

“Gaslighting” is an intentional manipulation of a partner to believe they have “got it all wrong” and that it is the partner – not the person responsible – who is gravely at fault. 

The Way Out 

Is there a way out? 

The answer may well be: “yes”.  

Couples struggling with these distressing dynamics after sexual discovery who seek professional help, may be able to reverse the course of this behaviour – and address their escalating emotions. 

The Action Plan 

Professional therapists, skilled and experienced in these dynamics, will assist the couple to work on an action plan.  

This may involve:  

1. The Safety Plan: Creating a crisis management plan, that seeks to ensure the safety of the couple, their children and others. 

The plan will provide practical safety guidelines and assist the couple to articulate safety boundaries and consequences.  

It will include suggestions on how to build a network of support and resources for each of them – and seek to establish that they do not need to face the crisis alone.  

It will also include practical suggestions on how to de-escalate distress; and will give the couple simple “tools” – to use in the moment – to regulate emotions and more effectively tolerate distress. 

The couples’ ability to commitment to a safety plan is only effective if they are able to change their priorities.  

This may be a challenge. 

It may be hard to shift their priorities away from unwittingly nurturing thoughts and behaviours that exacerbate their emotions – towards a commitment to reducing their distress; nurturing their own wellbeing; and the safety and wellbeing of their children.  

2. Individual Therapy – Weathering the initial stages of a crisis is more effectively accomplished in individual therapy.  

Each party in the couple, working with their own therapist for individual sessions, gives them the safety and freedom to fully articulate, explore and reflect on their own experience of what happened and why. 

They will be able to articulate their learnings and establish their priorities.   

3. The Disclosure: A structured, systematic and therapeutic disclosure process will be described and (if agreed on) undertaken in therapy.  

Both parties can give their truthful accounts in safety and with support – while seeking to avoiding any further trauma.  

Disclosure is perhaps, the most crucial work the couple can do in therapy. But it is best done only when the couples’ priorities and expectations are aligned – and when they have the emotional capacity to undertake it therapeutically.  

If you or your partner face a crisis in your relationship with the discovery of sexual betrayal – there may well be a solution.  

Some people using porn may face the situation where their partner inadvertently discovers this.  

For many porn users, the instant reaction is to deny it – and to continue to do so, despite the evidence.  

Their partner is naturally shocked and angry – not just by the porn use but also by the blatant dishonesty and increasingly fervent denials.  

The partner’s distress is now compounded – and they may seek and find more evidence.  They may even see the porn user’s attempts to “cover their tracks”.  

As the partner’s pain, distress and frustration mounts over the succeeding days and weeks – the user may seek to minimizes their porn use. 

The user may give an account that the porn use was casual, occasional or infrequent; and that they were only looking at “romantic genres” – and only for short periods.  

The user may be reluctant to admit that they masturbated using porn – or where porn use took place.  

Whether the information provided by the user is true or not – the partner’s trust may be broken to the extent that the partner is simply unable to believe it. 

The partner may see the porn user’s account as an attempt to minimize their behavior – particularly if the partner feels that they had to extract the information under a long, persistent and angry “interrogation”.    

They might think – or even say – that porn use is prevalent among men and that: “it’s just not a big deal”.  

This will be heard by the partner as ignoring their powerful feelings of emotional pain, sexual betrayal, broken trust and confusion. 

The partner may be feeling that the user was comparing her to the porn images – and that she was judged by the user to be unattractive, unglamorous, sexually unappealing or “boring”.  

This may engender in the partner a profound sense of shame, failure and rejection.        

If the user avoids focusing on and validating the partner’s account, the partner is left to suffer in pain and isolation.  

This can result in a serious and lasting fracture in relationship.  

And this distress may be even compounded by years of neglect and inattention to the relationship by the porn user. 

Indeed, porn itself can result in sexual dysfunction and distraction from investing in committed relationships.  

Porn normalizes sex as being objectified and reduces sex to a physical urge that can be quickly and easily satisfied. 

The user’s willingness to separate the act of sex from the context of a loving, committed, and mature relationship, leads some partners to contemplate separating – or even ending the relationship.  

The partner and the user may then have to struggle with difficult decisions about parenting children, finances, and relationships with extended family members and others.  

The Way Out 

Is there a way out? 

Yes, there could well be. 

But it may require the porn user to reverse their perspectives. These new perspectives include: empathetically understanding what is happening to their partner and what their partner needs from them; and taking full accountability and responsibility for the consequences of their behavior.  

The Barriers   

There may be many emotional barriers in the way of the user changing their perspectives.  

The user may be overwhelmed by their own guilt, shame, confusion, fear, frustration and anger. 

These powerful emotions may drive the user to be emotionally “protective” of themselves. This “protectiveness” may be outside their conscious awareness.  

In this context, acting dismissively, minimizing, being dishonest and avoidant can be viewed as “protective” behaviors.  

The user may, for example, dread the consequences of taking the initiative to tell the whole truth to their partner – and this fear leads to avoidance and dishonesty.  

To support their dishonesty, the user may rationalize that it would be too painful for their partner to hear the whole truth – and that the user wants to “protect” their partner from any further distress.  

But the corollary of this rationalization is that continued dishonesty takes power away from the partner’s right to process the whole truth – and to decide what to do about it.  

For the user, being truthful hands the power back to their partner, and creates fear and alarm.  

In effect, the user feels powerless to avoid the relationship consequences of porn use.  

Fear and shame may drive the porn user to imagine dire consequences to the relationship and the family – which, in turn, drives more fear and shame.  

Dishonesty, minimization and avoidance become entrenched – and it becomes ever more difficult for the user to accept that continuing with their reactive behavior is more likely to result in desire consequences. 

Similarly, the user may automatically avoid actively listening, validating and affirming their partner’s painful narrative – as this engenders fear and shame in the user and results in the user facing the full extent of their consequences.  

The user would rather the partner minimize their emotions – and the user is convinced that their partner’s emotions will “blow over” and “normalcy” will be restored.  

So, the user may avoid encouraging their partner to express their thoughts and feelings and may not invite their partner to safely process them together as a couple. 

Their partner is likely to see that the user’s avoidance and deflection as simply another example of the user’s neglect and disrespect of their relationship. 

The truth is that working through their respective emotions and narratives as a couple makes perfect sense. They are, after all, “in the same boat” – doing their best to “weather” a “perfect storm” in their relationship. 

Those porn users who seek professional help, may be able to reverse the course of their reactive behavior – and address their overwhelming emotions. 

The Action Plan 

Porn users who seek professional therapy may be advised to work on an action plan.  

This may involve:  

1. Understanding how to actively listen, validate and affirm their partner. This includes exploring – with kindness and compassion – their partner’s narrative and their pain.      

2. This also means openly accepting full responsibility for the consequences to their partner and the family – and apologizing for the hurt.  

3.  Being fully open and honest – and initiating and taking an active role in insightful discussions on their porn use – and any problems that the relationship may have faced before the discovery of porn use. 

4. Reading, watching and listening to the material provided on the problems with porn use and the effect on partners.  

5. Learning “tools” to manage the user’s distress. 

6. Being screened by a therapist to rule out (or in) compulsive sexual behavior. This is a recognized mental health problem and that can be effectively addressed through a systematic program of recovery.  

7. The partner considering individual therapy to effectively explore, express and address their distress. Therapy offers a confidential, safe and supportive space in which emotional healing can take place.     

If you or your partner face a crisis in your relationship with the discovery of porn use – there may well be a solution.  

In today’s digital age, easy access to pornography has led to a growing concern: pornography addiction. This issue affects individuals across all demographics in Singapore, impacting their relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. This comprehensive guide aims to shed light on porn addiction, its effects, and the path to recovery in the Singaporean context. 

Understanding Porn Addiction 

Pornography addiction is characterized by compulsive engagement with pornographic material despite negative consequences. It’s a form of behavioural addiction that can lead to significant distress and impairment in various areas of life. While it’s normal to be curious about sexuality, addiction takes over, leading to a loss of control and a preoccupation with pornography that hinders daily functioning. 

Taking the First Step: How to Know if You Need Help with Porn Addiction 

Shame and judgment often surround porn addiction, making it difficult for individuals to seek help. It’s crucial to understand that addiction is not a moral failing or a sign of weakness, but a treatable condition. Recognizing the signs is the first step towards recovery: 

• Increased tolerance: Needing more explicit or extreme content to achieve the same level of arousal. 

• Withdrawal symptoms: Experiencing anxiety, irritability, or difficulty concentrating when trying to reduce or stop pornography use. 

• Loss of control: Unsuccessful attempts to cut back or quit despite wanting to. 

• Neglecting responsibilities: Prioritizing pornography consumption over work, relationships, or personal well-being. 

• Relationship problems: Experiencing intimacy issues, decreased sexual satisfaction with a partner, or engaging in risky sexual behaviours. 

• Escalating behaviours: Engaging in illegal or harmful activities to access pornography. 

It’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Many people struggle with porn addiction, and seeking help is a sign of strength and self-awareness. Overcoming this challenge is possible with the right support and resources. 

Why Acting Sooner Matters: The Benefits of Early Intervention for Porn Addiction  

Early intervention is not just important—it’s crucial in addressing porn addiction. Think of it like any other health condition: the sooner you address it, the better the chances of recovery and preventing long-term damage.    

Here’s why early intervention is so vital in the context of porn addiction: 

• Preventing Escalation: Porn addiction often progresses. What starts as occasional use can escalate into more frequent and extreme consumption. Early intervention can help prevent the addiction from spiralling into more harmful behaviours, such as risky sexual encounters or illegal activities to access pornography.    

• Minimizing Negative Consequences: Porn addiction can have devastating effects on various aspects of life, including relationships, work, and mental health. It can lead to isolation, depression, anxiety, and even erectile dysfunction. Early intervention can help minimize these consequences and protect overall well-being.    

• Increased Treatment Success:  Research indicates that individuals who seek help early in their addiction have higher chances of successful recovery. Early intervention allows for timely implementation of therapeutic strategies and prevents the addiction from becoming deeply entrenched.    

Recognizing the signs of porn addiction and seeking professional help sooner rather than later can significantly improve your chances of overcoming this challenge and reclaiming a healthy and fulfilling life.   

Where to Turn for Help: Resources for Porn Addiction Recovery in Singapore 

Recovery from porn addiction is possible with the right support and resources. In Singapore, various organizations and professionals offer specialized treatment: 

• Promises Healthcare: Our experienced psychiatrists and therapists provide evidence-based therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to address the underlying causes of addiction and develop healthy coping mechanisms. We offer individual and group therapy in a safe and confidential environment. 

• National Addictions Management Service (NAMS): This government agency provides counselling and treatment for various addictions, including pornography addiction. 

• Support groups: Connecting with others facing similar challenges can provide valuable support and encouragement on the journey to recovery. 

If you or someone you know is struggling with porn addiction, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Taking that first step is crucial to breaking free and reclaiming a fulfilling life.