Understanding and Managing Adult ADHD

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is often associated with childhood, but it can persist into adulthood, impacting various aspects of life. In Singapore, with its fast-paced and demanding environment, adults with ADHD may face unique challenges. This blog post aims to raise awareness about adult ADHD, its symptoms, and the importance of seeking professional help. 

Understanding ADHD in Adulthood 

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. While these traits may be present in everyone to some extent, individuals with ADHD experience them to a degree that significantly impairs their daily functioning. In adults, ADHD can manifest as difficulty focusing, disorganization, restlessness, impulsiveness, and emotional dysregulation. 

Unmasking ADHD Symptoms in Adults 

ADHD symptoms in adults can be subtle and easily mistaken for other conditions or personality traits. Here are some common signs: 

  • Inattention: Difficulty sustaining focus, easily distracted, forgetfulness, procrastination, poor organizational skills. 
  • Hyperactivity: Restlessness, fidgeting, difficulty relaxing, excessive talking, interrupting others. 
  • Impulsivity: Acting without thinking, difficulty waiting their turn, interrupting conversations, making impulsive decisions. 
  • Emotional dysregulation: Mood swings, irritability, difficulty managing emotions, low frustration tolerance. 
  • Executive function challenges: Problems with planning, prioritizing, time management, and self-regulation. 

Recognizing ADHD: When to Seek Professional Help 

If you suspect you or someone you know may have ADHD, it’s essential to seek a professional assessment. A diagnosis typically involves a comprehensive evaluation, including: 

  • Clinical interview: A detailed discussion about symptoms, medical history, and family history. 
  • Psychological testing: Standardized questionnaires and tests to assess attention, impulsivity, and executive function. 
  • Behavioural observation: Observing behaviours and interactions to identify ADHD-related patterns.

Why Early Diagnosis Matters: 

  1. Improved Quality of Life: Proper diagnosis and treatment can significantly improve quality of life by reducing symptoms and enhancing daily functioning. 
  2. Reduced Risk of Comorbidities: ADHD often co-occurs with other mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. Early intervention can help prevent or manage these comorbidities. 
  3. Enhanced Relationships and Career Success: Managing ADHD symptoms can lead to improved relationships, increased productivity, and greater career success. 
  4. Increased Self-Awareness: Understanding your ADHD can help you develop coping strategies and self-management skills. 
  5. Reduced Stigma: Seeking help for ADHD can challenge the stigma surrounding mental health and encourage self-acceptance.

Creating a Supportive Environment at Promises 

At Promises Healthcare, we understand the challenges faced by adults with ADHD. Our team of experienced psychiatrists and therapists provides comprehensive assessments and personalized treatment plans. We offer a range of evidence-based therapies, medication management, and support groups to help you manage your ADHD and achieve your full potential. 

We believe in creating a supportive and non-judgmental environment where you can feel comfortable discussing your concerns and working towards a fulfilling life. Contact Promises today for a confidential consultation and take the first step towards managing your ADHD effectively. 

Psychiatrist in Singapore: 7 Signs You Need Help

Life in Singapore is undeniably demanding. The pressure to succeed, the fast-paced environment, and constant expectations can impact anyone’s well-being. While occasional stress is normal, it’s crucial to recognize when those feelings persist and start affecting your daily life. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone. Studies show that a significant portion of Singaporeans experience mental health conditions. Remember, seeking help is a brave step towards a healthier, happier you. 

Mental Health Matters: Challenging Common Misconceptions 

Unfortunately, there’s still a stigma surrounding mental health in Singapore. Many people hesitate to seek help due to misconceptions and fear of judgment. It’s crucial to remember that mental health is just as important as physical health. Conditions like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and even schizophrenia are common and treatable. 

Let’s address some common myths: 

  • Myth: Only “crazy” people see psychiatrists. 
  • Reality: Mental health challenges can affect anyone, regardless of age, background, or profession. Seeking help is a sign of self-awareness and a commitment to well-being. 
  • Myth: Psychiatrists just prescribe medication. 
  • Reality: Psychiatrists are medical doctors specializing in mental health. They offer a comprehensive approach to treatment, including therapy, lifestyle recommendations, and medication management when necessary. 
  • Myth: Seeing a psychiatrist is a sign of weakness. 
  • Reality: Seeking help is a proactive step towards taking control of your mental health. It takes courage to acknowledge challenges and seek support.

Is it time to talk to someone? 7 signs you might need to see a Psychiatrist. 

If you’re experiencing any of the following, it might be time to consider seeking professional help from a psychiatrist: 

  1. Persistent sadness or hopelessness: Feeling down or experiencing a lack of motivation for an extended period, even when there’s no apparent reason. 
  2. Overwhelming anxiety or worry: Constant feelings of nervousness, restlessness, or fear that interfere with your daily activities. 
  3. Changes in sleep patterns: Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or experiencing excessive sleepiness. 
  4. Significant changes in appetite or weight: Sudden weight loss or gain, or a noticeable decrease or increase in appetite. 
  5. Difficulty concentrating or making decisions: Experiencing brain fog, forgetfulness, or struggling to focus on tasks. 
  6. Withdrawal from social activities: Losing interest in hobbies or activities you once enjoyed and isolating yourself from friends and family. 
  7. Thoughts of self-harm or suicide: Experiencing suicidal ideation or engaging in self-harming behaviours. 

Get Support Sooner: How Early Intervention Can Make a Difference 

Seeking help early can significantly improve your chances of recovery and prevent your condition from worsening. Just as you wouldn’t hesitate to see a doctor for a physical ailment, it’s essential to prioritize your mental well-being. 

Taking the Next Step: Connecting with the Right Mental Health Professionals 

If you’re concerned about your mental health or recognize any of the signs mentioned above, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. Experienced psychiatrists can offer personalized care tailored to your individual needs, including medication management, therapy, and support groups, to help you on your journey to recovery. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to turn, the experts at Promises are here to help. We can connect you with experienced psychiatrists who offer compassionate, confidential support and guidance. 

Remember, early intervention is key. Taking that first step towards seeking help can make a significant difference in your well-being. Don’t hesitate to reach out to Promises; we can help you navigate these challenges and find the path towards a healthier, happier you. 

Overcoming Porn Addiction: Your Path to Recovery in Singapore

In today’s digital age, easy access to pornography has led to a growing concern: pornography addiction. This issue affects individuals across all demographics in Singapore, impacting their relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. This comprehensive guide aims to shed light on porn addiction, its effects, and the path to recovery in the Singaporean context. 

Understanding Porn Addiction 

Pornography addiction is characterized by compulsive engagement with pornographic material despite negative consequences. It’s a form of behavioural addiction that can lead to significant distress and impairment in various areas of life. While it’s normal to be curious about sexuality, addiction takes over, leading to a loss of control and a preoccupation with pornography that hinders daily functioning. 

Taking the First Step: How to Know if You Need Help with Porn Addiction 

Shame and judgment often surround porn addiction, making it difficult for individuals to seek help. It’s crucial to understand that addiction is not a moral failing or a sign of weakness, but a treatable condition. Recognizing the signs is the first step towards recovery: 

  • Increased tolerance: Needing more explicit or extreme content to achieve the same level of arousal. 
  • Withdrawal symptoms: Experiencing anxiety, irritability, or difficulty concentrating when trying to reduce or stop pornography use. 
  • Loss of control: Unsuccessful attempts to cut back or quit despite wanting to. 
  • Neglecting responsibilities: Prioritizing pornography consumption over work, relationships, or personal well-being. 
  • Relationship problems: Experiencing intimacy issues, decreased sexual satisfaction with a partner, or engaging in risky sexual behaviours. 
  • Escalating behaviours: Engaging in illegal or harmful activities to access pornography. 

It’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Many people struggle with porn addiction, and seeking help is a sign of strength and self-awareness. Overcoming this challenge is possible with the right support and resources. 

Why Acting Sooner Matters: The Benefits of Early Intervention for Porn Addiction  

Early intervention is not just important—it’s crucial in addressing porn addiction. Think of it like any other health condition: the sooner you address it, the better the chances of recovery and preventing long-term damage.    

Here’s why early intervention is so vital in the context of porn addiction: 

  • Preventing Escalation: Porn addiction often progresses. What starts as occasional use can escalate into more frequent and extreme consumption. Early intervention can help prevent the addiction from spiralling into more harmful behaviours, such as risky sexual encounters or illegal activities to access pornography.    
  • Minimizing Negative Consequences: Porn addiction can have devastating effects on various aspects of life, including relationships, work, and mental health. It can lead to isolation, depression, anxiety, and even erectile dysfunction. Early intervention can help minimize these consequences and protect overall well-being.    
  • Increased Treatment Success:  Research indicates that individuals who seek help early in their addiction have higher chances of successful recovery. Early intervention allows for timely implementation of therapeutic strategies and prevents the addiction from becoming deeply entrenched.    

Recognizing the signs of porn addiction and seeking professional help sooner rather than later can significantly improve your chances of overcoming this challenge and reclaiming a healthy and fulfilling life.   

Where to Turn for Help: Resources for Porn Addiction Recovery in Singapore 

Recovery from porn addiction is possible with the right support and resources. In Singapore, various organizations and professionals offer specialized treatment: 

  • Promises Healthcare: Our experienced psychiatrists and therapists provide evidence-based therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to address the underlying causes of addiction and develop healthy coping mechanisms. We offer individual and group therapy in a safe and confidential environment. 
  • National Addictions Management Service (NAMS): This government agency provides counselling and treatment for various addictions, including pornography addiction. 
  • Support groups: Connecting with others facing similar challenges can provide valuable support and encouragement on the journey to recovery. 

If you or someone you know is struggling with porn addiction, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Taking that first step is crucial to breaking free and reclaiming a fulfilling life. 

Navigating Anxiety in Singapore: Therapist’s Guide to Coping Strategies & Resources

Introduction: 

Singapore, with its fast-paced lifestyle and high expectations, can be a breeding ground for anxiety. From work pressures to social demands, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But you don’t have to navigate these challenges alone. This guide provides valuable insights into understanding anxiety and offers practical coping strategies and resources available in Singapore. 

Understanding Anxiety in the Singaporean Context 

Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. It’s a complex mental health condition characterized by persistent and excessive fear or worry, often accompanied by physical symptoms like a racing heart, sweating, and difficulty concentrating. In Singapore, with its emphasis on achievement and competition, anxiety can manifest in various ways, from social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder to panic attacks and phobias.    

Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms 

Anxiety can manifest differently in everyone. However, there are some common signs and symptoms to watch out for: 

  • Physical: Increased heart rate, shortness of breath, sweating, trembling, dizziness, nausea, muscle tension, fatigue, sleep disturbances. 
  • Emotional: Excessive worry, fear, restlessness, irritability, feeling on edge, difficulty concentrating, feeling overwhelmed. 
  • Behavioural: Avoidance of certain situations or activities, difficulty relaxing, excessive reassurance-seeking, changes in eating or sleeping habits. 

If you’re experiencing these symptoms regularly and they’re interfering with your daily life, it’s crucial to seek professional help. 

Coping Strategies and Resources in Singapore 

While anxiety can be challenging, there are effective coping strategies and resources available in Singapore: 

  • Therapy: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a widely recognized and effective therapy for anxiety. It helps identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviours. 
  • Support Groups: Connecting with others who understand your struggles can provide invaluable support and encouragement. 
  • Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practices like meditation, deep breathing exercises, and yoga can help calm the mind and reduce anxiety symptoms. 
  • Healthy Lifestyle: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep are crucial for managing anxiety. 
  • Local Helplines: Organizations like the Samaritans of Singapore (1800 221 4444) and the Institute of Mental Health’s Mental Health Helpline (6389 2222) offer confidential support and crisis intervention. 

Seeking Professional Support 

Navigating anxiety can be challenging, but with the right support, you can regain control of your life. Experienced therapists provide personalized care and evidence-based therapies, including CBT, to help you manage your anxiety and develop effective coping strategies. 

Promises’ experts understand the unique challenges of dealing with anxiety in Singapore and offer a safe and supportive environment to explore your concerns and work towards a brighter future. Reach out to us for a confidential consultation. 

Winifred’s Rules for a Happy Marriage

I made an analysis of the 10 Rules of Marriage that I found on the internet recently and received several requests for proactive and positive rules that couples can abide by.

Based on what I understand and practise as a relationship expert, I came up with Winifred’s 10 “rules” that I hope will encourage you to invest in your marriage or relationship. These rules are derived from the principles used in Gottman Method Couples Therapy as well as Applied Positive Psychology that I am skilled in.

While I call them “rules”, they are not cast in stone. Pick and decide with your partner on the rules that are most relevant to your current stage of relationship. Let’s dive in and look at each of them.

  1. Be a safe harbour to each other

What this means is that you will be the person that your partner will turn to for connection, support, comfort and love. There is intimacy and closeness when you can be your real and authentic self. You also prioritise each other when you make decisions. For this safe harbour to be strong, you make effort to safeguard the relationship by setting clear boundaries on rules of engagement with the opposite sex. You don’t take the marriage for granted. For couples who share the same faith, pray and grow your faith together.

  1. Adopt a growth mindset

Be willing to learn and change, recognising that there are skills that each of you can learn in order to deepen your relationship and connection. Instead of seeing your partner from your own perspective and forming your own conclusions, entertain the possibility of discovering new things about each other. Continue to work on being the best version of yourself for each other. Cultivate self-awareness so that you can continue to reveal your true self to your partner.

  1. Listen, summarise and validate

The first rule in listening to each other is that you’re not both talking at the same time! Unfortunately, I observe the contrary a lot in my couples. After a while, both persons are talking at the same time and no one is listening. Always take turns to speak. To ensure that you are truly listening, make sure that you are able to summarise and validate the point or position of your partner to his/her satisfaction. Always check to see if you’ve heard each other’s side of the story correctly. This is the foundation of good communication.

  1. Practice gratitude

Much research has shown the importance of gratitude not only in the formation of a new relationship but also in the successful maintenance of these intimate bonds. Additionally, the experience of gratitude enables you to feel closer to your partner thereby leading to a greater satisfaction in the relationship. When you are grateful for your relationship, you’re less likely to compare yourself or your partner with someone else. Learn to focus on what is good in your partner and the relationship will become stronger and deeper. Verbalise your gratitude to your partner frequently to minimise the feeling of being underappreciated.

  1. Do small things often

It is more important to show your care and love through tangible actions frequently rather than doing a grand gesture once or twice a year on special occasions. You strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you when you do small acts of service and love to your partner by sending a message to encourage him or her on a challenging day or to share in the joy of small wins. Identify your partner’s love language and show your love accordingly in a way that he or she can receive and appreciate. Thank each other regularly, affirm the virtues you admire in one another and be willing to apologise first to repair any regrettable incidence.

  1. Build a healthy love bank

A “love bank” is a collection of what makes you feel connected, cared for and valued by your partner. The concept is similar to a normal bank account where there are deposits and withdrawals. When you build more positive interactions with your partner, your emotional love bank account flourishes. You feel safe and secure. Even if you have a “withdrawal” (for example, a small argument), it doesn’t feel too threatening. You know that you have sufficient amount in that will not result in a deficit. When you notice that your partner or you are getting more annoyed and easily triggered,there is a danger that you may need an overdraft. For example, things that don’t usually bother you about your partner’s behaviour, irritate you now. Pay attention to it and put in effort to increase the emotional connection. Ways to increase your love bank include understanding your partner’s inner world, showing fondness and admiration, and turning towards his or her bids for connection. Repeat #3, #4 and #5. Be mindful not to turn this into a game of reciprocity where comparisons are made on who’s done more.

  1. Approach conflict with curiosity

The ability to regulate conflicts is critical to the success of a relationship. When you address your differences adequately, they are less likely to snowball into a massive conflict. When you find yourself in a different position from that of your partner, be curious and ask questions about his or her position so that you can deepen your understanding of your partner. What happens more often than not is an assumption is made that your partner is  making your life difficult by being oppositional or disagreeable. This perception is detrimental as you begin to assume the worst in each other. Those who are conflict-avoidant often find it challenging to regulate their own emotions and the emotions of their partner during conflicts. It’s important for them to learn the skill to call for a break so that they can self-soothe before continuing with the emotionally-charged conversation. When you are curious and re-frame your conflict as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other, the differences become less daunting.

  1. Be playful and laugh a lot

Recall the time when you first got together: there were easy conversations, plenty of laughter and fun. As you progress to different stages of the relationship, responsibilities and burdens will increase. As such, it is easy to slip into a routine and forget about having fun together. Cultivate and utilise your sense of humour as it is a good way to connect with your partner and to lift the mood when the going gets tough. Watch comedies, share jokes and funny stories so that you can laugh together. If you have kids, laugh with them too. Life is hard and it will be harder when we take everything too seriously.

  1. Support each other’s dreams

Couples who decide to be committed and marry each other usually have dreams in mind. When you are not intentional in having such an important conversation with your partner about their dreams, it is easy to be consumed by day-to-day tasks and activities that you forget the big picture. Take time to find out and revisit your partner’s dreams regularly. Initiate such conversations when you’d like to take a new direction in your life. You can enhance your relationship by creating shared meaning and dreams. Common ones include building a family and home together, finding a cause that’s meaningful for you to support, creating impact through the work that you do either professionally or in the community you serve. Discussion of such dreams is important as it will affect the decisions that you make as a couple and family.

  1. Accept influence and compromise

It is impossible to always find agreement between two individuals. Therefore being able to accept influence and compromise is key to the success of the relationship. Accepting influence is about developing your ability to find a point of agreement in your partner’s position. It is not about insisting that you’re right or finding evidence that your partner is wrong all the time. In accepting influence, it doesn’t mean that you need to change into someone you are not. You need to have a good sense of who you are at your core, and be sure to protect it so that you are not coerced into becoming someone else. If you make the decision to be the person that your partner needs you to be, accept your responsibility for that decision rather than blaming it on your partner. The challenge in accepting influence is really about relinquishing your control and preferences some of the time to prioritise the needs of your partner.

I’d really love to hear what you think of these “rules” and which might be the ones that you will focus on cultivating and practicing. Feel free to email me your thoughts and questions.

If you find this blog post helpful, you have my permission to share it with your friends and family.

Dealing with ADHD Effectively

 

In this episode of the Health Check podcast, Dr. Winslow reveals that he suffers from attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. No-one would begrudge you your raised eyebrows, least of all him. After all, it is precisely his duty to educate you about ADHD.

Dr. Winslow joined journalists Joyce Teo and Ernest Luis at The Straits Times’ podcast studio, where the duo court the expertise of medical professionals to inform and enlighten. Armed with myriad perspectives, Dr. Winslow availed his own brain to help demystify ADHD.

It wasn’t until Dr. Winslow began to see the parallels between his childhood behaviour and those of his clients with ADHD, that he realised he too had the disorder. It didn’t seem to bother him too much – he laughs at being chided by his son’s teachers for his pride in his son’s ability “to pass exams exactly the same way” as he did, without paying attention in class.

Dr. Winslow says that in the brains of people with ADHD, communication between cells is difficult – that’s how they are more likely to lose focus, become distracted, or give in to impulses. Singapore’s regimented education system doesn’t help either. Students with ADHD face real disadvantages, in their inability to sit through lessons, and in the way educators see those who refuse to (or simply can’t) pay attention for long stretches.

Dr. Winslow recalls being forced to run laps around the school as a child by his teachers, who had hoped to wear his indefatigable energy down into submission in time for class. He admits that it worked surprisingly well. ADHD can be managed, as he would learn.

It is unfair to say that ADHD is “not a real disorder”, and that one merely needs to “concentrate on overcoming it”. That just doesn’t make sense. ADHD is a medical condition that can be tackled with correct tools and the right will. Dr Winslow says it’s possible to address the few big symptom groups (Hyperactivity, Impulsiveness, and Difficulty with Distractibility) with practical advice in the right contexts. For example, you might teach your always-tardy child about time management with to-do lists.

Dr. Winslow says parents should try and come to terms with their child’s ADHD, or risk more worrisome aspects spilling over into adulthood. Adult ADHD often comes packaged with low self-esteem, where inability to complete tasks due to inattention becomes internalised as laziness in a self-defeating cycle.

Overcoming ADHD is easy, says Dr. Winslow, when you understand this maxim: “The more you understand the complications brought by your limitations, the more you can do to manage your symptoms.” It’s an expansion of the classic “knowledge is power”.

Once you begin to appreciate the ADHD brain for its quirks, advantages become more apparent. The meandering thoughts of people with ADHD often help them develop novel solutions to problems – “thinking outside the box”.

The doctor’s recommendations? Don’t panic, try to understand ADHD, and don’t forget the fish oils!

Listen to the Health Check podcast over at The Straits Times website, or search for it on your favourite podcast platform.

Can a Sexless Relationship Be Healthy?

If you’ve stopped having sex in your relationship and it’s bugging you, read on.

According to research, Greece is the most sexually active country in the world. Amid the white-washed buildings and servings of moussaka, every mature citizen there is reported to be having sex at least once every two days. Brazil comes a close second, with Russia not far behind. Across the globe, we are conditioned to believe that we should all be having as much sex as possible. But what if you’re not having sex and are in a sexless relationship?

Sex in a relationship comes with undeniable health benefits that extend well beyond the bedroom. It’s proven to lower blood pressure, increase immunity, lessen pain, improve sleep, ease stress, and much more. Yet despite the positive attributes, not everyone couple are getting down to it. There are varying definitions of a sexless marriage or sexless relationship, but it’s most quoted as being any partnership where sexual intimacy occurs 10 times or less within a year period.

couple-enjoying-book-on-bed-importance-of-sex-in-a-relationship.jpg

Ebb and flow

Perhaps you used to be a do-it-daily type of marriage. Maybe a few times a month sufficed. There are couples who are happy to not have sex for their own reasons such as illness, early stages of motherhood or not being in the same country. If there has been a change in your sexual frequency as your relationship has developed, that’s also perfectly natural.

“Sex ebbs and flows over time and as we age, but the reasons it starts to stall are many and include everything from health issues to lifestyle factors,” says Andrew Da Roza, psychotherapist and sex addiction specialist at Promises Healthcare. “It can result from a great many combinations of variables such as sexual dissatisfaction, an emotional disconnection with your partner, poor communication, work stress, or simply a lack of privacy, space and sleep.”

Andrew also highlights how human beings are essentially a paradoxical bunch. “We desire nurturing and supportive relationships that give us a sense of safety, security, familiarity and predictability. Yet we also seek novelty, excitement, mystery, unpredictability and a journey of transcendence in relationships. From this perspective, it makes sense that couples can come to a ‘sexual standoff’.”

It’s here that things get complicated: without sufficient communication, side-effects of a sexless relationship for a couple can include anger, frustration and resentment in one or both people. “A lack of sex can perpetuate feelings of rejection, low self-esteem and insecurity that you’re no longer attractive to your other half,” says Winifred Ling, couples therapist and relationship coach at Promises. In the worst case scenario, should one partner feel they’re not getting their needs met, it can lead to them seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

Get back on track

While this sounds pretty grim, the good news is that your sex life can be revived if you both want it. As with all relationship issues, communication is key. “Choose a time to talk when you’re both calm and in a good space to identify how you’re feeling about the lack of sex,” suggests Winifred. “Be open to speaking out sensitively and honestly — broach when and how often you’d like sex to take place, what’s good in your current sex life and what needs to be improved.” If this is tricky to do together, seek a neutral third party in such as a psychologist or councellor to facilitate the dialogue and provide a safe space for discussion.”

Of course, once you’ve spoken you’ve got to walk the talk. “Your actions have to be consistent with your words,” says Winifred. “The worst thing is when one partner feels invisible and alone in a relationship even though you’re physically together. Revive loving feelings in a sexless relationship by remembering what you love about one another, and affirm each other through words and actions such as hugs and touch. Show kind and generous gestures regularly (a kissy face emoji or a quick message keeps the connection going). Do the small things often to show you care and see your partner.”

Also, be mindful that sex doesn’t always have to be limited to intercourse, and sexlessness doesn’t have to mean a loss of intimacy. Physical intimacy, including cuddling, oral sex, manual stimulation and sharing sexual fantasies, contribute to bringing you closer which can then lead to a more fulfilling sex life.

“Ultimately, no one should tell you what to do in a relationship,” says Winifred.  “So, if you’re having less sex than you think you ‘should be’ and are fine with it, there’s nothing to be worried about. What makes for a happy and healthy sexual relationship is meeting the needs of both partners and bonding as a couple. Only you get to decide if you fit into society’s definition of a sexless relationship or not.”

If you are having communication problems, issues with sexual arousal or painful sex within your relationship, it might help to seek support from a trained professional.


*This article first appeared on The Soothe’s website.

Supporting Your Child’s Learning Needs

If you’re a parent who believes in taking a proactive approach to your child’s education, then you’ve probably realised by now that comparing your young one to the school’s resident whiz kid(s) is ill-advised. There is truth then, in this kernel of wisdom: “Every child is a unique gift from God”.

Understanding how your child takes in information, assimilates it, learns, is perhaps the first step to making their education a better experience for them. When parents start getting a grasp of what their child’s preferred way of learning is, they can start taking steps to work with that style of learning, instead of foisting the next flavour of the month upon their child. Individual learning styles don’t necessarily dovetail with the school’s pedagogy – but that’s OK. This just means that you’re blessed with more opportunities to help your child grow up with the values and convictions you hold dear.

Conventional wisdom tells us that people generally fall into one of three categories – visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learning. But before you pigeonhole your child into one of those convenient boxes, it is worth noting that while a child may have a dominant learning style, a combination of all the styles is required to learn about the wonderful, wider world that they’re growing up in. Once you have figured out their style, you can then begin to take steps to ensure that they have ample opportunities in the classroom and at home to take advantage of that particular style.

However, there are some children who constantly struggle when they are subject to the traditional classroom setting. Despite your efforts to supervise and coach them, they might continue to face persistent difficulties with reading and writing skills, as well as attention and behavioural regulation in terms of their academic performance.

A child with learning difficulties is affected in different ways, with the impact ranging from mild to moderate or even severe, with symptoms surfacing when the time comes for them to learn literacy and numeracy skills in the classroom. Children with learning difficulties are at risk of developing low self-esteem, which in particular is a consequence of the condition going undiagnosed and/or untreated. Imagine a dewy-eyed child who, with all the innocence of  youth, proudly strives and strains to do well at school – yet never reaping a jot of acknowledgement. Imagine (or remember) what it feels like to have the purity of childlike endeavour constantly rebuffed by the shame of underperformance. To have effort always met with negativity is tough for even the most motivated child, which may lead to the development of a poor self-concept that ends up causing further social-emotional issues in future.

All children, learning difficulties or not, need love and support for them to cultivate a strong sense of self-worth, build confidence and develop resilience. In seeking ways to help your child who has a learning difficulty, bear in mind that your role as a parent is not to “cure” the difficulty, but to arm your child with the social and emotional tools they will need to work through challenges and develop strategies for compensating with their difficulties. In the long run, your child will emerge stronger and more resilient.

Even though everyone’s been a kid before, I know that the new and bewildering responsibilities of parenthood can sometimes make us forget what we, as children, wanted to have for ourselves. I’ve outlined some tips which can be invaluable to our efforts to support a child with a learning difficulty.

  1. Knowledge is power – learn everything you possibly can about your child’s learning difficulties and needs.

Doing your own research and keeping abreast of the new developments in evidence-based learning and behavioural interventions not only helps your child, it helps to foster a sense of solidarity with your child. The more you know about your child’s needs, the better you are equipped to help your child. Start with your child’s teachers and consult with professionals (e.g. educational psychologists, school psychologists, or child clinical psychologists) who are best positioned to work together with you and your child in this journey. Collaborating with your child’s school teachers and fostering a good relationship with them helps in the overall understanding of your child’s needs – this facilitates consistency between home and school, which is particularly essential for children with challenging behaviour.

  1. Be an advocate for your child by raising awareness.

While society has made great strides towards the goal of inclusivity, awareness of special education needs and learning disabilities is still limited (but growing). Embrace your role as a proactive parent, taking responsibility not only for your child’s welfare but also contributing to the child who does not have a dedicated guardian in their life. Yes, your journey will be fraught with challenges and frustrations, but always remember to remain calm and to persevere. We often don’t realise just how much children internalise behaviour and views that they perceive in their parents. As a parent, you are entrusted with the very delicate task of moulding a young mind. Your healthy optimism, perseverance, and sense of humour doesn’t just benefit you – it positively influences your child to be a self-advocate, which is a very important goal for a parent in these circumstances.

Some parents choose to hide their children’s learning difficulties in secrecy, for fear of stigma or unjust treatment by others. They might honestly feel that they’re serving the best interests of their child. On the contrary – it is this very lack of understanding and awareness from family and friends that causes the misattribution of a child’s developmental needs to ‘laziness’ or ‘poor parenting’ or ‘mischief’. By shining a light on the condition, you help others develop empathy and come to be more supportive of your child. Within the family, siblings might feel that there is more attention and preferential treatment towards the brother/sister with learning difficulties, despite being aware of their condition. Hence, it is also important for parents to reassure all their children equally that they are loved, to provide support to their work, and to include them all in routines for the child with learning difficulties.

  1. Focus on your child’s strengths, not just weaknesses.

No one is defined by disability or need. And no one is perfect either. As you embrace your child’s flaws, celebrate their strengths in the same breath. As with all other human beings, a child with learning difficulties too will come into their own personality, interests, strengths and weaknesses. Focus on the gifts and talents which your child is blessed with, and help them to nurture their areas of strengths such as in activities they excel in.

  1. Praise effort rather than outcome.

Children with learning difficulties may not always excel academically, and if they do, they likely have put in a lot more effort than their peers to have achieved a similar good grade. Acknowledge the effort made, which deserves recognition – no matter if the child has gotten the answer right or wrong. Your child is demonstrating courage when they try out new approaches to assignments and study strategies, and if you want them to learn from mistakes and be receptive to feedback, credit and praise must be given where due. It will take time for new practices and interventions to work and for new skills to be acquired, so bear in mind to focus on the long term goals, and to break larger tasks down into smaller, more manageable milestones which can be spaced out over time.

Everyone’s definition of success is different, but the aspirations you have for your child probably extend well beyond the fulfilment of good grades. Working with parents, it has been my experience that most, if not all, express the desire for their child to lead an independent life, in which they are capable of providing for themselves, and above all else, to be happy. This being the case, then success in life definitely isn’t based on just academic success, but rather on things like having a sense of self-worth, the willingness to ask for and accept help, the ability to bounce back in the face of adversity and the emotional depth to form healthy relationships – values and qualities that are not quantifiable like the metric of exam grades.

  1. Keep your child motivated.

As school is most likely a source of frustration for your child who puts in much more effort than in proportion to the reward of good performance, it is important to find something in school that brings your child enjoyment, that they are motivated to pursue without much prompting. Sometimes, to taste the fruit of serendipity, one must eschew his comfort zone. This may involve having your child participate in a CCA of their choice, attend camps or other school-related activities, and encouraging your child to have good relationships with peers and teachers. It can be difficult to motivate your child to learn, and to invest time in subjects which already make them feel inferior and bad at. You will probably meet less resistance if you start from your child’s level of ability, carefully choosing lesson topics that already are of interest to them. Give them some measure of autonomy to choose how they study or complete homework – building in breaks and breaking down challenging tasks into smaller chunks gives them ownership in the crafting of their own timetable, helping to keep them motivated to follow through with their plan.

Finding a role model who has flourished in spite of their learning difficulties can show your child that success is attainable, and that it is their own choice not to allow their current difficulties to define them. Celebrity, athlete, friend, neighbour or pastor, the only requirement to those role model shoes is that your child feels comfortable talking to them.

  1. Encourage healthy lifestyle habits.

Stress may manifest differently in children than in adults. While some signs may be more overt, such as trouble sleeping, agitation, acting out, or meltdowns, others may retreat inwards – shutting down, spacing out, withdrawing and isolating. Even as adults ourselves, we may lack the prescience to recognise that our internal systems are under stress, let alone children who have not yet matured into such skills. Hence, it is your responsibility to be vigilant of signs of stress in your precious one.

Your child’s eating, sleeping and exercise habits are also vital to their overall learning ability.  With a healthy routine which incorporates a balanced diet, quality sleep and sufficient physical activity, children will be better able to focus and concentrate.

Other than the physical, paying attention to your child’s emotional needs is also important. When they are faced with the frustrating challenges presented by their learning difficulties, allow them to express their feelings in a safe space. Validate them by acknowledging that the cause of their gripe is an issue, but be careful not to coddle them into poor self-restraint. Be ready to listen when they are ready to talk, and be a grounding, reassuring presence which helps their mind integrate with their body, and re-orient into a sense of calm.

Above all, remember to take care of yourself! The uniquely sacrificial dint of parenthood sometimes diverts needed attention from our own needs. If you are to project an empathetic sense of warmth, you will first need to cultivate self-compassion, and allow yourself the space to tend to your own needs. The quality of support you are able to provide to your child is dramatically affected by your own levels of stress and exhaustion. Parenting is a full time job, but don’t let yourself burn out emotionally.

In order to do this, you need to be mindful of your own limitations. You are the best gauge of when to rouse the oarsmen to right your ship. If you have a supportive spouse, or friend, or family member, take heart. Lastly, there is great benefit in the solidarity of support groups, which serve as useful support and also reminders that you are not alone in your unfolding journey!

How Psychological Testing Can Help Your Child

Raising a child is demanding – their emotions and personality trait can change frequently. As a parent, how can you tell if your child’s behaviour is part of growing up or a cause for concern?
Child psychologists at Promises, Tan Su-Lynn and SC Anbarasu speak to the editorial team at ANZA about psychological tests for children and adolescents which help parents better understand the strengths and challenges their child has in areas of cognitive, behavioural, learning and socio-emotional functioning.
Learn more about the types of tests and what goes into one.

As parents, we all want the best for our children. We naturally see the good in them and marvel at their every new development and discovery. However, raising a child can be demanding. Even under the greatest circumstances, their emotions and personality traits can change frequently, and it can be difficult to pinpoint when certain behaviours are typical or might need special attention.

Just like us, children experience a huge range of emotions (some more adorable than others!). They can be sad, anxious, aggressive or irritable. They can be restless, reclusive or downright grumpy. In most cases, these feelings are perfectly healthy, but how can you tell if your child’s mannerisms are a part of growing up or a cause for concern?

Promises Healthcare, Psychiatric & Psychological clinic can help to put your mind at ease with their psychological tests for children and adolescents. Carried out by their expert team of senior child and educational psychologists, these evaluations can help parents to better understand the strengths and challenges their child may have in areas of cognitive, behavioural, learning and socio-emotional functioning.

Tan Su-Lynn, Senior Educational Psychologist at Promises

Why take a psychological test?

While the idea of psychological tests for children might sound daunting, they can be essential in helping parents to make educated choices and implement strategies to ensure a child is getting the right support. “Intelligence – sometimes referred to as the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) – includes cognitive functioning, intellectual ability, aptitude, thinking skills, and general ability,” explains Senior Clinical Psychologist at Promises, S C Anbarasu. “Based on the type of assessments used, trained psychologists can obtain a more in-depth understanding of a child’s challenges. Some potential issues that can be detected include emotional or behavioural problems, or delayed learning with writing, spelling, maths or reading. Testing also helps to identify the presence of autism, ADHD or dyslexia.”

Says Tan Su-Lynn, Senior Educational Psychologist at Promises, “When a child is observed to have difficulties with their learning or behaviour in school or at home, this may suggest the possibility of a learning or behavioural disorder. Severity of the difficulties should also be taken into consideration, such as whether they impact their social, home and/or school functioning. Psychological testing can obtain a profile of a child’s strengths and areas that require support.

Reasons for a psychological test can include:

  • Learning difficulties or delays (for example, difficulties with spelling, writing, reading)
  • Emotional or behavioural problems in the classroom or home
  • Admission to special educational programmes
  • Increased understanding of a child’s learning style
  • Concerns regarding possible attentional difficulties
  • Underachievement
  • Giftedness
Senior Clinical Psychologist at Promises, S C Anbarasu
                                               
What are the tests and how do they work?

Depending on your concerns and your child’s needs, there are two types of psychological tests for children available at Promises to ascertain a child’s profile. “The IQ test measures a range of cognitive abilities and provides a score that is intended to serve as a measure of the child’s intellectual abilities, overall thinking, reasoning skills and potential,” explains Su-Lynn. “Our Academic Testing assesses areas in language, reading, writing, mathematical skills, comprehension and fluency.”

After an initial consultation period, both assessments take place in stages. As each one lasts approximately 6-12 hours, sessions are spaced out to reduce fatigue and distraction. There are no scary school exam style set-ups here: each test involves fun problems, puzzles and questions. “Generally, most children enjoy the testing sessions as it’s an engaging process,” says Anba. “To make sessions as stress-free as possible, we have regular breaks so they can play with their favourite toys. Tasks that involve using hands to construct or fingers to point at pictures appear to appeal the most. Parents are welcome to join their child throughout for support.”

Once completed, a feedback session is arranged to discuss the outcome and provide parents with the opportunity to ask questions. Parents also receive a comprehensive written report with recommendations for home and school settings. Continues Anba, “With psychological tests for children, we can address potential issues early and hopefully prevent the child from feeling demoralised, stressed and anxious in the future.”

When parents and teachers work holistically with Promises, everyone receives a better understanding of the child’s behaviour and game-changing solutions to bring them a brighter and happier future.

Promises Healthcare_Psychological Testing Diagram

Discover more at Promises Healthcare, Psychiatric & Psychological clinic.#09-22/23, Novena Medical Center, 10 Sinaran Drive, 307506. Tel: +65 63977309


*This article was first published on ANZA’s website. 

Improving Mental Health at Work

Workplace mental health is becoming an attractive proposition for employees and employers alike. Having a mentally healthy environment can help employees become happier, more productive and motivated individuals. Yet, mental health issues are often swept under the rug, simply because they can be touchy subjects to handle. In Singapore, the Health Promotion Board (HPB) drew from data culled from 1000 respondents, and found that compared to an representative of Singapore’s general population, the mental well-being of working adults was found listing – 13% more worse off, to be exact. In addition, another survey also found that 1-in-6 working adults experience “a relatively high level of stress”, compared to 1-in-10 non-working adults who expressed the same concerns. This stark contrast makes us wonder – Does working for ‘The Man’ make us miserable?  Does that mean we can curtly reply “Money”, when the interviewer wants to know why we want that job?

Singapore is notorious for a fast pace of living, a country where your career helps to define you. With career advancement already firmly ensconced within our list of priorities (for the average Singaporean, at least), many tend to devote a good part of their waking hours to work, with less and less time being set apart for leisure and recreation. It makes sense then, that we should look to the workplace as a concept just as deeply implicated in our happiness (or lack thereof) as home and family.

Employers who pay scant attention to the mental health issues of their employees will soon find that such a business model doesn’t pay long-term dividends. In fact, it may end up costing them – there are countless studies out there detailing and actually quantifying the monetary costs of poorly managing workplace mental health. Intuitively, we’ve already known this without having to be told – if the only free time you’re allotted for a restroom break has to be taken during your 10-minute lunch, then you’ve probably seen fit to leave your bootstraps in the toilet. Employers, too, know the sting of cynical, burned out employees making full use of paid medical leave.

In this case, not only does the organisation have to pony up the employee’s sick leave entitlement, they also have to incur the opportunity cost of the work the employee would have contributed if they were present and productive. The organisation thus suffers financially. Moreover, mental health issues can precipitate workplace bullying and harassment. Employees may start feeling disempowered, demotivated and dissatisfied with their jobs. The overall workplace morale takes a plunge.

In light of this, we have to acknowledge that we, more often than not, overlook an extremely important factor which makes or breaks the mental well-being of employees in the workplace.

I am reminded of the movement of person-centered decision making in the workplace by the pithy saying: “Nothing About Me Without Me”.¹ It serves to remind people that even though individuals with mental health issues may be deprived of 100% lucidity and perspicacious decision making abilities, others should, as a principle, accord them the same respect, and not make any decisions without consulting with them. This is especially so if these potential choices might affect the employee’s quality of life. When making considerations which may impinge on another’s life, it’s only good manners to make sure that everyone affected is a stakeholder.

Mental health issues tend to attract the kind of hushed conversations that we want to avoid. It’s simply improper to gossip about such deeply personal issues. Conversations regarding the affected individual shouldn’t take place without their “blessing”, either. If I were to take a charitable interpretation of such water-cooler talk, I might say, after all, people may not know the right approach to handle these situations, or they may simply be misguided in their good intentions!

Some useful guidelines for professionalism at the workplace. If you are, for example, a HR-manager and suspect that an employee of yours requires help with a personal mental health issue, do not:

  • Apprise superiors of his condition without seeking his permission first
  • Try to “ease his burden” by lessening his workload in an attempt to “help” him cope with his condition without consulting him beforehand

Instead, as soon as any discussion is started about the individual, he should be brought into the fray and  not be left in the dark. The point here is about giving back control to the person in question, and allowing him to understand that he is still equally respected regardless of his mental health.

What happens if these pointers are neglected? Unfortunately, diminishing the employee’s workload without consulting him first may chip away at his sense of self-worth, since he is stripped of the ability to demonstrate his capabilities. Moreover, having your superiors talk about you behind your back can in some ways, make you feel discriminated against for having a mental disorder. This breeds a sense of distrust amongst colleagues, which erodes the fabric of work cooperation. Not respecting someone’s dignity and right to make decisions can also hinder his/her mental recovery process. Needless to say, such workplace environments are deeply unprofessional outfits which detract from productivity and dignity.

We should thus focus on what we can do to make our workspaces better places, and mentally healthier ones. We should start taking “Nothing About Me Without Me” seriouusly. We need to start recognising its importance to a well-oiled outfit and how it helps foster pride and dignity. In fact, we should help this principle take root at the organisational level, such as including people with past experiences of mental health issues in the development and expansion of workplace mental health policies, or seeking their input when it comes to planning activities in service of mental well-being. Policies centered on transparency and proper communication should also be developed as adjuncts to ensure that the organisation is committed to making sure employees’ voices are heard when it comes to issues of mental health and their careers. If more organisations are willing to take these steps, there’s no doubt our workplaces will slowly become more conducive and nurturing environments. How is your company contributing towards making your workplace a mentally healthier one? Share your thoughts in the comment section below, so we’re all better off for having heard these ideas.

¹ Golding, E. and Diaz, P. (2020) Mental Wealth. New York: Morgan James Publishing.