Winifred Ling, Relationship Coach & Therapist shares her insights with Women’s Weekly: “Does Working From Home Ruin Or Fix Marriages?”
Follow the link to read the full article: https://www.womensweekly.com.sg/gallery/family/sex-and-marriage/does-working-from-home-ruin-fix-marriages/
In Singapore, the law states that there is only one reason for divorce to be granted – the irretrievable breakdown of marriage. Currently, this must be proven by one or more of five facts: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, separation of three years with consent, or separation of four years without consent.
A sixth fact was recently introduced as a proposed amendment to the Women’s Charter, divorce by mutual agreement of the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
This amendment enables couples to take joint responsibility for the breakdown of their marriage. Mr Ivan Cheong, a partner in family and divorce law at Withers Khattarwong, notes that the changes would benefit more couples who wish to go their separate ways amicably, and do not want to have to find fault with the other party’s behaviour to obtain a divorce.
“Often, the act of having to list out the faults of the other party as a means of seeking dissolution of the marriage increases animosity, and may result in each party trying to pin fault on the other,” says Mr Cheong.
While Mr Cheong welcomes the development, he adds that he doesn’t think divorce rates would increase simply because of the introduction of the option. “This option does not make it easier for parties to get a divorce, or render divorce as the default option simply because parties have minor disagreements in their marriages”, he says, pointing out that certain safeguards will be put in place.
So, how do you know when it is worth fighting for your marriage, or when it is truly time to think about splitting up?
Red flags in a marriage
The late American author and journalist Mignon McLaughlin once said, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person”.
But what if that fails to happen?
Dr Edmund Wong, principal family life educator, and Ms Chang Mun Lan, senior family life educator at TOUCH Integrated Family Group, says that some common problems that married couples go through include unrealistic and unmet expectations, unmanaged conflicts, relationships with in-laws, financial matters, and personality or cultural differences.
These recurring problems could even get worse, if left unacknowledged. Here are some warning signs to look out for.
1. Total breakdown of communication
Arguments happen in all marriages, even healthy ones. But there may be situations where the couple can no longer spend time together without constantly getting into arguments and would rather be physically apart from each other as much as possible, says Mr Cheong.
“It’s a major red flag where couples refuse or are unable to talk civilly with each other, preferring to spend as much time away from the other spouse as possible and where they start keeping separate households, either by living physically apart or in separate bedrooms.”
2. Lack of physical closeness and companionship
A lack of physical intimacy and physical affection, including hugging, kissing and holding hands, can be signs of greater problems to come. It could start off with reasons such as busy work schedules, being preoccupied with the children or household matters, or even a major event such as the loss of a close family member.
However, these could easily lead to spouses getting habituated to the momentary dry spell, and start feeling increasingly distant from one another. Over time, either spouse may begin to experience abandonment issues.
3. Being emotionally checked out
Another major red flag is a lack of awareness, interest and knowledge in what your spouse is doing. Ms Winifred Ling, a couples therapist and relationship coach with Winslow Clinic, Promises Healthcare, says that when you have checked out emotionally, you are “living a parallel life and see nothing wrong with it”. The person may feel alone in the marriage and yearn to regain independence by cutting off emotional connection with his or her spouse. “You stop making the effort to take the initiative to be kind. Instead, you engage in a ‘waiting and comparison’ game where you refuse to be the one to reach out to your partner but you want your partner to make the first move’.”
In such cases, Ms Ling adds, the couple has forgotten why they share a life together – and they engage in negative communications such as criticisms, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
4. Violence or abuse
Abuse does not necessarily have to be a slap or a kick in the stomach. Besides physical abuse, there may be instances where a spouse controls, bullies, or even threatens the other party. Some signs include blaming the other for everything that goes wrong, throwing things when angry, constantly yelling at the other to make him or her feel small, threatening loved ones, or controlling the other party’s expenses, as well as who he or she goes out with.
5. Presence of a third party
Infidelity is a clear warning sign that the marriage is on the rocks. But third parties can come in other forms. Addiction – be it social media, alcohol, gambling, video games and so on, can easily become a third party in the marriage. You may find that your scrolling through Facebook and Instagram is putting a dent in your couple-time and relationship, or that you are constantly sneaking or making excuses to get a drink. If these actions make you feel guilty and make you feel like you are cheating on your spouse, it’s a huge red flag and a sign that your relationship needs help.
Is it time to say goodbye?
There may be situations where staying in the marriage is more detrimental to the psychological and emotional health of both individuals. Ms Ling explains that it can be exhausting for the couple to be “living a fake life”. “The dishonesty and inauthenticity will take a toll on them emotionally,” she says.
In addition, it can also affect other members of the family. There may be cases where the couple fights so much that the mental well-being of the children is compromised and they grow up in a high-conflict environment. “Some parents may also feel guilty about giving the wrong impression to their children of what a marriage should be,” Ling adds.
It remains to be seen whether the introduction of the option for couples to mutually agree to divorce will have an impact on divorce rates. But experts seem to agree that the change would be beneficial in that a long-drawn, acrimonious divorce process could be avoided. With the new option, the two parties would file as applicant and respondent, compared to the current proceedings where they would file as plaintiff and defendant.
Mr Cheong says he had previously received feedback from parties and other family lawyers that “having to recount past conflicts and play the ‘blame game’ by finding fault with the other party’s behaviour as a reason for the breakdown of the marriage causes further animosity between the parties.
Even more importantly, NUS sociologist Tan Ern Ser is of the view that a simplified track would surface what could have ended up hidden. He says, “It reduces the acrimony or the prospect of having to put up with a broken, through apparently intact marriage.”
He also adds one could argue that a broken marriage would lead to a divorce in any case, the only difference is not in the “divorce statistics, but in causing further hurt and pain”.
Recognise when you need help
But it doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed, even if you have ticked off one, or more, of the above warning signs.
Research has shown that marital relationships can be repaired if both parties are willing to put in the effort to make things work, by addressing the hurt and pain, understanding each other’s perspectives and taking active steps to hear each other out.
Dr Wong and Ms Chan add that marriages need consistent effort and nurturing. They recommend a marital health check on a regular basis, for instance, once every two years, or in preparation for transitions in life, such as parenthood or career changes. It could highlight the areas of growth in the relationship and guide couples towards areas that may be causing tensions, and help nip any potential issues in the bud.
Research shows that couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help – by which time a lot of hurt and resentment has built up. Ms Ling urges couples to seek help at the first sign of trouble. “This can be as early as the first year of marriage when you notice that there are perpetual issues that keep surfacing and you simply can’t find ways to resolve them.”
If you think a divorce is the best option for you, seek professional help in guiding you through the process. Look at the motivation and reasons for the split and assess if the situation is salvageable or not, she says.
“Divorce doesn’t just affect the couple, it affects the extended family as well”.
Everyone who owns a car knows that it needs servicing periodically. We don’t wait till the car has broken down before we send it to the workshop. We do regular tune-up for the car so that we can ensure its smooth running and lifespan.
What does it mean when we apply the analogy to a relationship?
Relationships are just like cars, and they experience wear and tear. If we ignore the little things that go wrong, we may end up dealing with a major breakdown. Whilst relationship tune-up is not therapy, per se, it is a session with a relationship coach to evaluate your relationship and the intent is preventive.
Some questions that we look at are:
• How satisfied are you with your marriage?
• Where are the gaps that you’ll like to close?
• What’s the legacy that we are creating together?
• What’s the dream within the conflicts that we have?
Many are familiar with pre-marital counseling and we are also aware of marital counseling, which is usually assumed to be for troubled marriages. Relationship tune up is the in-between where most relationship lies and yes, you can seek help to enhance your marital life.
Contact Promises healthcare today if you are looking to tune up your relationship.
Vasantham (Mediacorp’s Tamil & Hindi TV Channel) studios reached out to Promises Healthcare’s Senior Clinical Psychologist, S C Anbarasu, in the name of bringing greater mental health awareness to the Indian community in Singapore.
In En Ullae S2 episode 9, we are introduced to an exuberant boy, who upon closer inspection is revealed to suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Is he beset by developmental issues, or is there a more benign explanation? Senior Clinical Psychologist S.C. Anbarasu opens the episode with a parsimonious explanation of ADHD – simply, people with ADHD are distinguished by a lack of ability to pay attention, and appear to have vast amounts of energy, hence, ‘hyperactivity’.
In a dramatisation, the boy’s mother wears an expression of bemused exasperation – the problems began even before his birth. Prolonged labour (which occurs after 18 – 24 hours), and a possible Caesarean section heralded the coming of a “problem child”. Anusha Venkat then recalls how, at the age of 2 or 3, she came to the realisation that her son’s inability to focus was far more prevalent than what she observed in other children. Even a couple of seconds of concentration seemed to be a hard ask. He couldn’t remain placated long enough to complete any task. At the childcare, teachers baulked at how he pinged from corner to corner of the room.
Anusha reveals how a serendipitous discovery that Carnatic music could calm him down enough to remain in one spot for more than 10 minutes. A breakthrough! Anbarasu explains that while a child suffering from ADHD can disrupt classroom proceedings, it is pointless to use force to discipline them. ADHD can make someone feel like they are “constrained within a container” if they are impelled to do a task in which they have no interest. Instead, they expend their energy reserves by indulging in some other activity – like running around and being a little menace. For parents who are unaware of ADHD as a mental health condition, seeing their child act out can be scary. In fact, Seelan (the boy protagonist) went undiagnosed at age 3 – doctors merely offered that most children are, well, rambunctious tots at that age. It takes a diligent parent to make a reasoned conclusion that their child may suffer from ADHD. Seelan was given assorted tasks to complete, with his attention span closely watched, even who he liked or disliked in class was logged.
(Click on the link for a version with English subtitles. Remember to click on the ‘Settings’ button to reveal the English subtitle selection. https://www.mewatch.sg/en/series/en-ullae-s2/ep9/958092)
However, Anbarasu recommends that care must be taken to conduct a diagnosis per the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-5). First, the test must be conducted on children below the age of 12. While school-going children come with a larger raft of observable behaviours due to differences in environment (home, school, etc), Anbarasu admits that is is not easy to chalk up roughhousing or rowdiness to ADHD when those are developmentally appropriate behaviours for a child. Apparently, six or seven are ages when an accurate diagnosis is reached easiest.
Aside from Carnatic music, Seelan’s attention span was helped by repetitive menial tasks like peeling potatoes, chopping ladies’ fingers and carrots. Anbarasu acknowledges that dealing with ADHD in children is a time-consuming task because they aren’t able to complete tasks as quickly as their peers. He calls on parents to pick up the slack – strategising holistic ways to help their child, both at home and in school. It’s a collaborative effort between teachers and parents to then carry out an agreed-upon strategy.
All is not doom and gloom, however. Seelan is observed to play with Lego building blocks for hours on end, despite not performing in the classroom. Anbarasu calls this ‘hyper-focus’. It is a state of mind wherein the mind eliminates noise that potentially distracts them from the task at hand, a sort of “perk” if you will. We are cautioned that encroaching upon this state of hyper-focus can exacerbate emotional issues and precipitate anger. People with ADHD are victim to ‘emotional dysregulation’, which may manifest from frustration in perceived inability to complete tasks satisfactorily. Seelan was unable to appreciate the benefits of delayed gratification, getting restless and upset if things didn’t go his way. Anbarasu explains that this results from emotional dysregulation as well.
At some point, Seelan faces potential expulsion from his class due to the complaints of other children’s parents. Especially in Singapore, where grades are paramount, a poor academic performance which results from an inability to work with a child’s ADHD can be distressing to parents. The teeth-gnashing frustration can make parents feel helpless, and Anbarasu suggests that these situations call for a consultation with a professional therapist who will elucidate the behavioural issues at hand. This gives parents more information to plan future steps. Parents of children with ADHD also attract stinging criticism from other parents. They might feel inadequate in their roles as nurturers and mentors. Anusha has accepted this to be a part of life, chortling as she muses that “you can’t change people”. Whatever the case, it isn’t fair to fault parents for a child’s ADHD. Or the child. Anbarasu clarifies that ADHD is a neuro-developmental disorder – in other words, that’s just how the cookie crumbles. Blame should not be apportioned. Anusha recalls how Seelan used to behave like an attention hog – in its absence, tantrums would be the order of the day. According to Anusha, dealing with instances of emotional dysregulation like this is challenging, especially if you have to deal with the needs of your child while observing social propriety.
Every child’s circumstances are different, so Anbarasu recommends that care be taken to evaluate if danger is imminent. Shouting for a little is perfectly OK. Deal with them after they have thrown their fits because anger is not conducive to receptiveness to advice. Anbarasu is careful to eschew the notion of a “cure” for ADHD. Rather, he says that it is “treatable”. Whether with medication or psychotherapy, or a combination of the two.
Children with ‘combined-type’ ADHD are challenged in a triune of areas – attention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. For these cases, neuropharmacological support is required, to aid concentration and retention of information in class. If the ADHD is not as pronounced, therapy alone could manage the condition. For parents who are especially harrowed by their child’s condition, they should know that there is ample evidence in favour of managing ADHD through the concurrent administration of medication and therapy. On top of psychiatric interventions, there are support groups inside and outside the classroom for parents who are overly stressed.
The episode closes with the narrator speaking over clips of Seelan looking positively cherubic. The viewer is called on to spare the snide remarks, replacing them with positivity, understanding, and “plenty of support”.
Anxiety is a common feeling for many of us. It’s that uneasy feeling of nervousness, worry, dread, and fear that we experience in certain situations. You might have felt it before a job interview, while you’re in the labour room (even if you’re not the birthing parent!) and probably on your child’s first day of school. The occasional anxious feeling isn’t exactly a bad thing – in fact, it’s perfectly normal and beneficial to a certain extent. Healthy levels of anxiety function as a warning signal during dangerous situations, prompting us to react or flee to protect ourselves.
However, some people may experience overwhelming levels of anxiety to the point where it interferes with their daily life and relationship with others. In this case, professional help is highly recommended as intense and prolonged feelings of distress aren’t great for anyone and may be attributed to an anxiety disorder. And we’re not just talking adults – anxiety disorders may also develop in children.
Senior Clinical Psychologist, S C Anbarasu & Senior Psychologist Jane Low, share their thoughts about this with Honeykids Asia. Follow the link to read on:
Narcissism and high self-esteem – how can we tell them apart? It may be difficult to tell if someone is self-absorbed or rightfully self-assured as they may present in a similar manner. Confidence is extremely important in helping one set the foundation for a healthy way of living, promoting personal growth, success, and a sense of fulfilment. On the other hand, a narcissist’s self-absorption would hinder said personal growth, and such a way of thinking enables a toxic lifestyle.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. For one to be diagnosed with NPD, the individual must fulfil the following, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:
However, not everyone with NPD will get a clear diagnosis from a mental health professional. It is rare for someone with NPD to commit to seeking help, openly talk about their thoughts, or even attend a therapy session. Here are some points to consider when wondering if someone is confident or narcissistic.
Are they self-focused?
A narcissistic person may be obsessed with grandiosity, fantasising about achieving unlimited power, acceptance and resources, so much that they believe they deserve it more than others. As such, narcissism can be associated with the need to dominate others. However, a person with a healthy self-esteem will be inclined to establish deeper relationships with the people around them. Narcissism involves the inability to see beyond one’s self-interests, while self-confidence extends beyond self-focus, and to the needs of others.
Do they have a strong sense of entitlement and a tendency to exploit others?
As we have explored, people with NPD might feel they deserve more than others and have a strong sense of entitlement. This can manifest as the tendency to manipulate and exploit others to achieve their desires. Tactics such as spreading lies about others to get ahead are common, as they put personal gain above everything else.
Do they crave affirmation?
Praise, attention and affirmation are important to a narcissistic individual. With the need to fuel their sense of specialness, they may crave a constant expression of admiration and praise from others. Of course, we do not deny that everyone needs to be affirmed and encouraged to build self-confidence. However, unlike truly self-confident individuals, narcissists are hyper-sensitive to such attention and crave continual affirmations for emotional stability. Without them, they may feel disconnected, and even resent those who don’t think what they’re doing and saying is exceptional.
Do they have difficulty accepting constructive criticism?
Despite the sense of specialness and outward sense of superiority, people with NPD may in fact struggle with pervasive feelings of insecurity. A subtype of NPD, covert narcissism, can enable one to be defensive and over-sensitive to criticism. While the criticism may be a constructive one, they may treat it as a personal attack and react strongly against it. Their replies may be laced with contempt or passive-aggressiveness. This helps them seek relief and protect their self-esteem.
How do they respond to success?
We are all prone to a little envy when we compare ourselves to people of higher social status or with greater achievements – but how we manage this sense of envy sets a confident person and a narcissist apart. In order to uphold their image and take the spotlight, a narcissist might put others down and attribute their successes to luck or financial background instead of acknowledging their skills or character. Moreover, these may be baseless comments. In contrast, while a self-confident person may also feel envious at times, they are less likely to dim someone else’s light in order to prove their worth.
Hence, for persons with NPD, why is it important for them to seek therapy? Narcissism is found to be associated with externalising behaviour, including alcohol or substance abuse, antisocial behaviour, and aggression. These can lead to an unhealthy lifestyle and can be detrimental in the long run if no proper treatment is received.
While the pointers in this article may act as a guideline to help you differentiate between a confident person and a narcissist, a diagnosis for NPD should be left to trained mental health professionals only. While it may be tempting to label someone with a personality disorder or to make judgements with such information, the presentation of mental health conditions goes far beyond a few attitudes or behaviours. If you believe a family member or a close friend is in need of an assessment and therapy for NPD, feel free to contact us for more information.
References:
“I forgive you.” while on the surface seems to be an innocuous word and easy to say. But in reality, it’s one of the most difficult words to express in our human language. A few years ago, a middle-aged man angrily dragged his 13-year-old son to our clinic, it turned out that Mr Zhang (pseudonym) had discovered his son hiding in a corner of his room smoking, and slapped the boy hard in a fit of anger. Even after being scolded the boy was recalcitrant and didn’t even feel remorseful. In her efforts to appease the situation at home, his wife suggested bringing the son to see a counsellor.
On that day, I happened to walk past the therapy room. I could only hear the loud arguments between the father & son, and loud sobbings of the mom. Just as I stepped into my office, my office phone rang. It was an urgent call from my colleague, the therapist, who alerted that the situation was getting a bit out of hand, and asked for my assistance in the therapy room. Upon arriving at the scene, I could hear the son’s angry retort, “You’ve never loved me since young, why are you trying to control me now? All you’ve ever done was scolding me. So what if I behave myself? Would you even notice?”
It took more than an hour to calm all parties down. After which, I carefully interviewed both Mr Zhang and his son, and I finally got to the root of why the situation had become so tense between father and son.
It wasn’t the 13-year-old boy who had caused the breakdown in their relationship. The issues stem from painful experiences when Mr Zhang was growing up. Mr Zhang had grown up with an abusive father who was not only alcoholic and chain-smoked, who often vented his anger on his wife and children. As a result, Mr Zhang made a vow from young to never touch alcohol and cigarettes. Unfortunately, his demeanour also became very stern with hardly any smile on his face and had high expectations with his own children. Why did it become like this? It was because he had never forgiven his own father. The deeply buried hurts had made him prone to irritability, and thus he didn’t know how to praise or encourage his own child, and only knew strict discipline as his way of bringing up his child. Moreover, his biggest worry had been over his child coming into contact with alcohol and tobacco.
Mrs Zhang explained, her husband was a good man, but was a man of few words, and was not good in expressing his feelings. She knew that he really cares about the child, but it was a pity that communication was poor between the father and son. As a result of a craving for his father’s love and experiencing scolding and punishment from young, the boy had grown to become more rebellious in recent years.
In fact, Mr Zhang’s father had quit smoking and drinking for many years. However, as a result of the poor relationship between Mr Zhang and his father coupled with a break in communications for more than a decade. Mr Zhang couldn’t come to terms with my conclusion initially. But for the sake of his own son, he finally agreed to receive counselling. After several months, he finally understood the root cause. He asked me, “I’ve finally understood that the root cause of my frustrations was the unresolved anger and hatred towards my own father, but what should I do after so many years?”
Fortunately, one day his mother decided to visit their grandson together with his father. Although he felt embarrassed initially, Mr Zhang struck up his courage, squarely faced his dad and said: “I forgive you.” This simple yet miraculous sentence seemed to untie the knots of anger and hurts between Mr Zhang and his father. From that day onwards, Mr Zhang began to smile more frequently face and he could finally express his love fully to his son. As a result, his son stopped being rebellious. Not only did he stop smoking, but also paid more attention to his studies.
As a psychiatrist, I’m truly happy for this family and admire Mr Zhang’s courage in forgiving his own father. They continued with counselling for some time, and finally mended their father and son relationship that was formerly broken.
Therefore, forgiving others is also giving ourselves a chance to receive complete healing.
As a couple therapist, the question I sometimes get is, ”Is my problem serious enough to warrant a therapist?”
I like to address this question in this article.
There are 3 key reasons why you’d want to see a couples therapist/relationship coach
Prevention is better than cure and this applies to relationship as well. If you’re in a committed relationship and not married yet, nothing should stop you from finding ways to strengthen your romantic competence.
The majority of couples that I see now in my clinic are those with troubled marriage or also known as ‘relationship recovery’. Increasingly, I have more couples who decided to seek help and they are in under category 2 and 3. It’s highly encouraging for me to see this trend as younger couples are less affected by the stigma of seeking help.
In enhancing your relationship, what you can expect is the identification of possible conflict areas, assessment of your communication and conflict management skills, emotional regulation skills as well as the strength of your relationship. The former framework of therapy is based on looking at the problems and trying to fix them. What was missing is how to focus on what is good in the relationship and magnify and fortify those strength? This is equally important and it’s also more positive.
For ‘relationship recovery process’, the types of cases that I see include infidelity, being stuck in conflicts, poor emotional regulation which leads to avoidance of conflict and rebuilding trust and commitment.
There is a certain transition in life where relationship coaching or therapy is highly recommended. This is as follows:
Ultimately, relationship is hard work. You will need to consistently invest in it just like how you would a plant. You will need to Create an environment that’s conducive for the relationship to thrive; learn the skills that can help you connect better with your significant other and be intentional in what you want in the relationship.
Parenting is an incredible journey filled with growth and transformation for both children and caregivers. As children progress through various developmental stages, it’s natural to witness changes in their behaviour and abilities. However, some challenges may arise, leaving parents concerned and seeking support. In such situations, psychological testing emerges as a valuable resource, offering parents insights into their child’s development and paving the way for tailored assistance.
In the article, “Psychological testing for children: What it is and what to expect,” written by Honeykid’s Esther Chung, we embark on a journey of understanding the significance of psychological testing and how it can positively impact children and families. Expert insights from Educational and clinical psychologists, Tan Su-Lynn and S. C. Anbarasu respectively, will illuminate the purpose and process of psychological testing. As caregivers, being well-informed about this process will empower us to provide the best support and nurture the full potential of our beloved children. So, let’s delve into the warmth and professionalism of psychological testing to embrace its benefits fully.
Follow this link to read the full article: https://honeykidsasia.com/psychological-testing-for-children/
Alexis Fosler wrote an article for the Law Gazette addressing the stigmas that Lawyers face towards “not being okay”. She gave some tools and practices that are important for mental health and well-being in the article. To read the article, visit: https://lawgazette.com.sg/practice/practice-support/its-ok-to-not-be-ok
