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Some people using porn may face the situation where their partner inadvertently discovers this.
For many porn users, the instant reaction is to deny it – and to continue to do so, despite the evidence.
Their partner is naturally shocked and angry – not just by the porn use but also by the blatant dishonesty and increasingly fervent denials.
The partner’s distress is now compounded – and they may seek and find more evidence. They may even see the porn user’s attempts to “cover their tracks”.
As the partner’s pain, distress and frustration mounts over the succeeding days and weeks – the user may seek to minimizes their porn use.
The user may give an account that the porn use was casual, occasional or infrequent; and that they were only looking at “romantic genres” – and only for short periods.
The user may be reluctant to admit that they masturbated using porn – or where porn use took place.
Whether the information provided by the user is true or not – the partner’s trust may be broken to the extent that the partner is simply unable to believe it.
The partner may see the porn user’s account as an attempt to minimize their behavior – particularly if the partner feels that they had to extract the information under a long, persistent and angry “interrogation”.
They might think – or even say – that porn use is prevalent among men and that: “it’s just not a big deal”.
This will be heard by the partner as ignoring their powerful feelings of emotional pain, sexual betrayal, broken trust and confusion.
The partner may be feeling that the user was comparing her to the porn images – and that she was judged by the user to be unattractive, unglamorous, sexually unappealing or “boring”.
This may engender in the partner a profound sense of shame, failure and rejection.
If the user avoids focusing on and validating the partner’s account, the partner is left to suffer in pain and isolation.
This can result in a serious and lasting fracture in relationship.
And this distress may be even compounded by years of neglect and inattention to the relationship by the porn user.
Indeed, porn itself can result in sexual dysfunction and distraction from investing in committed relationships.
Porn normalizes sex as being objectified and reduces sex to a physical urge that can be quickly and easily satisfied.
The user’s willingness to separate the act of sex from the context of a loving, committed, and mature relationship, leads some partners to contemplate separating – or even ending the relationship.
The partner and the user may then have to struggle with difficult decisions about parenting children, finances, and relationships with extended family members and others.
The Way Out
Is there a way out?
Yes, there could well be.
But it may require the porn user to reverse their perspectives. These new perspectives include: empathetically understanding what is happening to their partner and what their partner needs from them; and taking full accountability and responsibility for the consequences of their behavior.
The Barriers
There may be many emotional barriers in the way of the user changing their perspectives.
The user may be overwhelmed by their own guilt, shame, confusion, fear, frustration and anger.
These powerful emotions may drive the user to be emotionally “protective” of themselves. This “protectiveness” may be outside their conscious awareness.
In this context, acting dismissively, minimizing, being dishonest and avoidant can be viewed as “protective” behaviors.
The user may, for example, dread the consequences of taking the initiative to tell the whole truth to their partner – and this fear leads to avoidance and dishonesty.
To support their dishonesty, the user may rationalize that it would be too painful for their partner to hear the whole truth – and that the user wants to “protect” their partner from any further distress.
But the corollary of this rationalization is that continued dishonesty takes power away from the partner’s right to process the whole truth – and to decide what to do about it.
For the user, being truthful hands the power back to their partner, and creates fear and alarm.
In effect, the user feels powerless to avoid the relationship consequences of porn use.
Fear and shame may drive the porn user to imagine dire consequences to the relationship and the family – which, in turn, drives more fear and shame.
Dishonesty, minimization and avoidance become entrenched – and it becomes ever more difficult for the user to accept that continuing with their reactive behavior is more likely to result in desire consequences.
Similarly, the user may automatically avoid actively listening, validating and affirming their partner’s painful narrative – as this engenders fear and shame in the user and results in the user facing the full extent of their consequences.
The user would rather the partner minimize their emotions – and the user is convinced that their partner’s emotions will “blow over” and “normalcy” will be restored.
So, the user may avoid encouraging their partner to express their thoughts and feelings and may not invite their partner to safely process them together as a couple.
Their partner is likely to see that the user’s avoidance and deflection as simply another example of the user’s neglect and disrespect of their relationship.
The truth is that working through their respective emotions and narratives as a couple makes perfect sense. They are, after all, “in the same boat” – doing their best to “weather” a “perfect storm” in their relationship.
Those porn users who seek professional help, may be able to reverse the course of their reactive behavior – and address their overwhelming emotions.
The Action Plan
Porn users who seek professional therapy may be advised to work on an action plan.
This may involve:
- Understanding how to actively listen, validate and affirm their partner. This includes exploring – with kindness and compassion – their partner’s narrative and their pain.
- This also means openly accepting full responsibility for the consequences to their partner and the family – and apologizing for the hurt.
- Being fully open and honest – and initiating and taking an active role in insightful discussions on their porn use – and any problems that the relationship may have faced before the discovery of porn use.
- Reading, watching and listening to the material provided on the problems with porn use and the effect on partners.
- Learning “tools” to manage the user’s distress.
- Being screened by a therapist to rule out (or in) compulsive sexual behavior. This is a recognized mental health problem and that can be effectively addressed through a systematic program of recovery.
- The partner considering individual therapy to effectively explore, express and address their distress. Therapy offers a confidential, safe and supportive space in which emotional healing can take place.
If you or your partner face a crisis in your relationship with the discovery of porn use – there may well be a solution.
