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And – to that extent – they are “in the same boat” and they both have an opportunity to de-escalate the situation and resolve it together.
But they probably need considerable help.
Each may be overwhelmed by powerful negative feelings – so that neither are able – or willing – to consider de-escalation.
Indeed, their natural reaction may to make things worse – and to fuel the crisis into a prolonged trauma.
This distressing dynamic is most obvious when the partner seeks to answer the question: “what happened – and why”?
Partners urgently need to hear and gather an ever-increasing amount of evidence about the sexual behavior and the circumstances. While the person responsible, is just as convinced that they need to hold onto their “secrets”.
The Dynamics of the Partner
Partners may feel compelled to spend time, effort, emotional energy – and even finances – to gather the details.
They may subject the person responsible to hours of questions each day – and this may last for many weeks and months.
With the details that the partner has pieced together – and to fill in the gaps that they perceive – the partner may unwittingly create a vivid “horror movie”.
Some partner may envisage haunting details of sights, sounds, sensory touch, smells, emotions, behaviors and motivations – creating the most distressing account of the events as possible.
They may be insistent that the person responsible concurs – in every detail – with the partner’s account.
The partner may also seek to impose a “picture” of how the acting out partner (e.g. a sex worker or an affair partner) experienced the sex or “romance” – and relentlessly describes that person’s thoughts, feelings and motivations.
Many partners ruminate on whether there was an emotional bond between the responsible person and the sex workers or affair partners.
They may focus on: the nature and quality of this bond; why the bond was so important to the person responsible; and how it compares with the couple’s bond.
The person responsible may – in contrast – insist that the sexual relationship was only transactional, compartmentalized and objectified – or that it was simply a “fantasy relationship” – and part of usual the ritual of seeing sex workers or affair partners.
However, the partner may firmly believe that sex must have been experienced as more than a meaningless, casual act – and that it invariably involved a connection.
This drive to know and “picture” all the details, inevitably leads the partner to an escalation of their overwhelming feelings – and may lead to lasting trauma.
The Dynamics of the Person Responsible
The person responsible is likely to react viscerally and strongly to their partner’s need to know.
That person may sincerely believe that their sole task is “damage control”.
Inevitably their attempt “fuels” the destructive dynamic that is unwittingly overwhelming their partner.
The person responsible is likely to seek to: conceal what happened; provide half-truths or minimal details; minimize; deflect; avoid; rationalize; intellectualize – or “gaslight”.
“Gaslighting” is an intentional manipulation of a partner to believe they have “got it all wrong” and that it is the partner – not the person responsible – who is gravely at fault.
The Way Out
Is there a way out?
The answer may well be: “yes”.
Couples struggling with these distressing dynamics after sexual discovery who seek professional help, may be able to reverse the course of this behaviour – and address their escalating emotions.
The Action Plan
Professional therapists, skilled and experienced in these dynamics, will assist the couple to work on an action plan.
This may involve:
- The Safety Plan: Creating a crisis management plan, that seeks to ensure the safety of the couple, their children and others.
The plan will provide practical safety guidelines and assist the couple to articulate safety boundaries and consequences.
It will include suggestions on how to build a network of support and resources for each of them – and seek to establish that they do not need to face the crisis alone.
It will also include practical suggestions on how to de-escalate distress; and will give the couple simple “tools” – to use in the moment – to regulate emotions and more effectively tolerate distress.
The couples’ ability to commitment to a safety plan is only effective if they are able to change their priorities.
This may be a challenge.
It may be hard to shift their priorities away from unwittingly nurturing thoughts and behaviours that exacerbate their emotions – towards a commitment to reducing their distress; nurturing their own wellbeing; and the safety and wellbeing of their children.
- Individual Therapy – Weathering the initial stages of a crisis is more effectively accomplished in individual therapy.
Each party in the couple, working with their own therapist for individual sessions, gives them the safety and freedom to fully articulate, explore and reflect on their own experience of what happened and why.
They will be able to articulate their learnings and establish their priorities.
- The Disclosure: A structured, systematic and therapeutic disclosure process will be described and (if agreed on) undertaken in therapy.
Both parties can give their truthful accounts in safety and with support – while seeking to avoiding any further trauma.
Disclosure is perhaps, the most crucial work the couple can do in therapy. But it is best done only when the couples’ priorities and expectations are aligned – and when they have the emotional capacity to undertake it therapeutically.
If you or your partner face a crisis in your relationship with the discovery of sexual betrayal – there may well be a solution.
