“Is this behavior a “sex addiction?”  

The second common question is:  

“If so, what needs to be done – can sex addiction be cured?”  

Sometimes men come to therapy sessions seeking answers to satisfy their partners’ need to know and sometimes they are eager to know themselves.  

Sometimes its both.  

But seeking a formal diagnosis of compulsive sexual behavior disorder may pose a “double-edged sword”. 

The third question is then:  

“What if this not an “addiction”?”  

Is it a “Sex Addiction”? – The Dilemma – Failure of Values OR Sexual Compulsion 

One the one hand, a partner or the person engaged in the sexual behavior may want to know if his sexual behavior is driven by his values – is he immoral, unethical or irreligious?   

Does he simply not know what’s right. Is his behavior an intentional and premeditated sexual and emotional betrayal – and he doesn’t care about the consequences? 

If the sexual behavior is a moral failing, he or his partner are left wondering how – exactly – can he change his sexual behavior for the foreseeable future – what action plan can he follow?  

On the other hand, if he or his partner can be satisfied that his sexual behavior is an “addiction” – and therefore outside his control – they may be willing to believe that it is not just a moral failing – even if his sexual behavior began that way.   

He and his partner may then be willing to believe that a detailed and systematic “sex addiction” recovery plan – executed in therapy – will yield some “light at the end of the tunnel”.  

If recovery from “sex addiction” can work – then there may be a possible future for the relationship. But if it is not a “sex addiction” – is there any hope? 

Is There a Way Out of this Dilemma for the Couple? 

Exploring this dilemma with a therapist – who is qualified and experienced in using an assessment for compulsive sexual behavior disorder – is likely to be a positive first step.  

Whatever the results of the assessment are – the assessment process itself will give the person engaging in the sexual behaviour  insights into:  

• the chronological details of the sexual behaviour;  

• how it started;  

• what kept it going; 

• what the consequences are;    

• what risks were being taken; and  

• what prevented these risks from being “weighed into the balance”. 

After an assessment – whether a client meets the criteria for compulsive sexual behaviour disorder or not – there is an action plan that can be created in therapy, with valuable input from his partner.  

The Action Plan 

An experienced and qualified therapist may suggest an initial plan that involves:  

1. Individual Therapy  

Initially each party in the couple, working with their own therapist for individual sessions, will give them the safety and freedom to fully articulate, explore and reflect on their own experience of what happened and why. 

2. Information 

The therapist will provide information that both parties in the couple-hood can use to learn about the sexual behaviour and it’s precursors. This will be supplemented with links to videos, podcasts and books.   

The person engaged in the sexual behaviour can gain insight into how his partner feels, thinks and behaves – and his partner can better understand what happened – and what he is willing to do in future. 

3. Boundaries and Consequences 

Both parties in the couple will be invited to articulate a proposed list of boundaries and consequences, and to discuss the lists – openly and honestly – in a therapy session.  

The partner may include in her initial boundaries, actions he will take, such as:  

• using porn blocking and tracking Apps;  

• using phone tracking Apps;  

• letting her know each day, what is in his schedule – and keeping her informed of where he is going; 

• attending individual therapy regularly;  

• attending group therapy or recovery groups regularly; 

• initiating a couples session each week, to discuss what he has been doing in his therapy, his groups and in his readings  – how he felt, what he struggles with and what his insights are;    

• avoiding certain friends, situations and places; 

• articulating his self-care and self-development regimen; 

• jointly articulating a division of labour on parenting, assisting relatives, and domestic chores; 

• financial arrangements; 

• how he will address any triggers that are likely to leave him vulnerable; and 

• what they will say about the disruptions to their relationship, to their children, family, friends and work colleagues.           

He may include in his initial boundaries, actions she will take: 

• learning about the sexual behaviour; 

• supporting his individual and group therapy; 

• sharing her therapy and self-care regimen – and checking-in weekly with him on her feelings, thoughts, struggles and progress; 

• jointly articulating a division of labour on parenting, assisting relatives, domestic chores;  

• setting limits on discussing the past – e.g. only before 9:00 pm; and for once or twice a week for 30-60 minutes; in order to reduce the stress and distress on them both; and  

• what they will say about the disruptions to their relationship, to their children, family, friends and work colleagues.           

As their relationship progresses, and “wounds heal”, the boundaries and consequences will change.   

If you or your partner face a crisis in your relationship as a result of sexual behaviour, there may well be a way forward – whether or not the criteria for  CSBD are met.